Complex
by Thuggy Ninjette
Summary: The relationship Yzak and Dearka shared was always complex. But exactly how deep did it run? Dearka x Yzak


**AN: Why hello there. :) This is my first time venturing into the GS fandom. My friend challenged me to write a oneshot without using any dialogue whatsoever. It was a difficult journey, but here is the result. Please read it over and review. Your review can consist of anything, but please no flames. They waste everybodies time.**

**The first section is Yzak's POV. The second one is Dearka.**

**This is Shounen-ai, so be aware.**

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The nights we spent aboard the Vesalius were nights filled with passion. In the darkness of those nights, Dearka managed to melt my heart, which was always frosted over with the anger and jealousy I often felt. With him, there was never a need for either of those emotions. I could just be the over-confident teen that had decided to become a soldier. He always seemed to know what to do or say to quell my frequent tantrums. The comfort he provided always had the promise of the unspeakable pleasure I would receive if I complied. Once the nights passed into day, we proceeded to act as comrades. Maybe we could even have been considered friends, but mostly everybody was a friend to Dearka.

I was probably more convenient than I was special. My feminine looks probably made me seem easily attainable. One night after a particularly shameful defeat by the Strike, I refused to see anybody. I locked the door, not wanting the company of anyone. Dearka never knocked or even ask if he could come in. It didn't really surprise me, but even so it was still quite hurtful to know that he wasn't concerned about my emotional being. I would never voice these thoughts aloud. Instead I would cover them up with looks of scorn and hurtful words. After a few days of shutting myself off from him, he bursts in my room and sweeps me into a breath-taking kiss. As physically pleasuring as it was, for once, the contact didn't satisfy me.

Slowly, our relationship evolved into something more complex. The looks and attitude he showed me in the bedroom started trailing out into my daily life. He was more friendly towards me, and often backed my opinions when I argued with Athrun or Nicol.

When the Strike injured me, the pain was almost unbearable. I was taken out of my cockpit, and was being wheeled to the sick bay. Dearka remained by my side the entire time assuring that everything was fine. It was one of the first times that I saw genuine worry on his handsome features. It was then I realized how emotionally attached and dependant I was on him. He sat with me on the bed in the medical ward, telling me how lucky I was that I escaped with nothing but a scar. I responded by throwing my arms around of him, and he quickly returned the gesture. Words weren't spoken after that, and I really didn't need them. His touch was enough for me. It was then I wondered if Dearka felt the same why I did. I never asked, too scared of the answer I would receive.

The nights we spent together changed. Some nights all we did was lay on my bed in silence, in each other's arms basking in the silence. The day Nicol died changed everything between us. My desire for Dearka weakened as my desire for revenge increased. I often kept my door locked, once again denying him entry. However, unlike the last time, he knocked on the door asking to be let in. When he was told no, he would start begging. My answer was always the same. After I destroyed the Strike, after this war was over, then I would continue with Dearka. It never occurred to me that Dearka could die before that time came. Athrun returned eventually, with the glory of destroying the Strike on his shoulders. I was upset that Athrun got the glory, the privilege. I had given up so much, and end the end, I didn't get either of things that I wanted.

There was never a sign of Dearka. I questioned Athrun and he always said that he didn't know what happened to him. No body was found and the Buster was never recovered. I hoped as much as my pride would allow me, that Dearka was still alive. But quickly, that hope faded. If Dearka was alive, he would've let me know by now. That was all the confirmation I needed. I only spent one night mourning him and it wasn't a pretty one. I punched the walls so hard and often that my knuckles were skinned and broke. I ended up sobbing myself to sleep, thinking of all the memories I could recall of Dearka. When I awoke that morning, I shoved all my grief into the back of my mind. Revenge. Once again, I wanted revenge. I would kill as many Naturals as I could, because they killed Dearka. It was justice.

When the commander and I sortied, I never expected to see the Buster. I was furious, beyond furious, that a Natural was piloting _Dearka's_ machine. I tried my damndest to kill him, to take another Natural down. Then I heard Dearka's voice over the radio saying that he didn't want to fight me. I was shocked, and couldn't think of anything to say. I ended up telling him how glad I was that he was alive, but I couldn't forgive him if this was it looked like. We ended up landing on the colony, and I pointed my gun at his chest. If he would betray us, then he would have no problem killing me. The betrayal of ZAFT isn't what hurt me the most. It was the fact that he never told me he was alive, never told me that there wasn't anybody to mourn. I spoke hateful words to him, wanting to make him hurt just a little. The words didn't faze him, and he told me that _I _ was the one being deceived. He kept saying that we weren't enemies, and he wasn't a traitor. I didn't know what to do. He stopped talking, waiting for my decision. I didn't have one! I'm supposed to shoot him! He's a traitor…but could I bear to shoot the one person I really loved?

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Yzak was always different around me. He was still hurtful, cocky and mean, but it was never directed toward me. You could almost say he was friendly towards me, and it intrigued me to no end. Yzak Joule seemed to be a very complicated person. In a way, his personality greatly appealed to me and he was definitely easy on the eyes. He was almost as feminine looking as Athrun, but with just a touch more masculinity. It was enough to make uniquely attractive. I wondered how he would respond if I made a move. So I kissed him. He didn't respond at first, so I expected a rejection. Once again, Yzak surprised me. He ran his hands through my hair and gripped my shoulders. I felt elated, if not a tad bit smug. Things quickly progressed into a casual sexual relationship. We never spoke of our relationship outside of Yzak's room. On the rest of the ship everything was normal, we were no more than friends. It was a few weeks later that I realized this type of relationship wasn't satisfying me. Not when it was Yzak I was dealing with. I wanted Yzak to actually feel something for me.

Yzak had been humiliated by the Strike, he never even really stood a chance. When he jumped out of his cockpit it was very obvious he was pissed beyond belief. I silently followed him and saw him storm in his room, hearing it lock behind him. What I supposed to do? Comfort him. But…how? I thought that he'd want to be left alone, knowing Yzak. He sulked around the ship for a few days, blatantly ignoring me, and I just couldn't take it anymore. I wrenched open the door and swiftly walked towards where he was standing by his bed and passionately pressed me lips to his. Even though he kissed back, I could tell that something between us had changed.

The kisses, embraces, and our nights together became more passionate, more gentle. More confusing. Soon just acting like that at night just wasn't enough for me anymore. I often sent him heated glances and occasionally received some in return. We become closer to each other, and nothing could have made me happiar.

Yzak had been injured, I had heard him yell out in pain and I got him to the ship as fast as I could. I wrenched him out the Duel. His face was covered in blood, and his hands were clutching near his right eye. I stayed by his side the entire time, anything to help soothe those pained cries. I was filled with overwhelming relief when the doctor said the only thing he would be left with would be a scar. We sat on his bed for hours, when he suddenly had his arms around me. I hugged back without even thinking, attempting to put lots of unsaid things into that embrace. He understood. No words were spoken the rest of the night. It was then I realized that I loved Yzak Joule, and that he loved me back.

We spent even _more_ time together, yet we didn't have sex as often. Instead we would simply lay in bed, embracing each other. Those nights were always my favorite. Words were barely spoken, and they didn't need to be. I couldn't wait for this war to be over, so I could be with Yzak without the thoughts of impending death.

When Nicol died, everything was ruined. The entire crew was saddened and wanting revenge. But nobody did more than Yzak. He quickly become obsessed, and thought of nothing else. He ignored me most days and nights, choosing to run combat simulations instead.

We were engaging the legged ship and the Buster was shot down. I quickly surrendered, not wanting my life to end in a place like this. I often insulted the girl, Miriallia, so the attempted murder wasn't really undeserved. My entire outlook on Naturals changed when she decided not to kill me, and kept another girl from doing so. I killed her comrades, yet she didn't think I deserved to die. These were the Naturals, the monsters we were told to eradicate? We developed a bond of sorts, but it didn't compare to the one I shared with Yzak. I missed him, and wondered how he was holding up. He must've thought I was dead, and maybe that was for the better.

Soon I was reunited with Athrun and introduced to Kira. The words Kira spoke inspired Athrun, and me in turn. It soon become obvious that fighting with ZAFT was the wrong decision. All they were doing was trying to eliminate every last Natural, and that isn't a cause I wanted to fight for. All I ever wanted to do was protect the PLANTS. I swore with Athrun and Kira that we'd find our answer, our reason to fight, together. I was determined to show this to Yzak as well, I had to find him. I only hoped he would understand, even if it was unlikely. I didn't want to leave him behind.

During the battle with the Dominion, ZAFT arrived. I realized in horror that one of the approaching mobile suits was the Duel. Through the radio Yzak yelled about how a dirty Natural was using my machine. I yelled to him back over the radio, the last thing I wanted to do was to kill him. I didn't want him to die, I loved him. He said he was glad that I was alive, but he might not be able to forgive me. When we landed he pulled out his gun and aimed it toward me. I was horrified that he would even consider doing that. Was he really that angry? I realized that Yzak really considered me an enemy. It couldn't end like this. I tried my hardest to explain I hadn't betrayed the PLANTS, but that ZAFT was wrong. He told me I was being deceived. I threw his words right back at him. I looked into his eyes, and what I saw gave me hope. Anger. Hurt. They were the negative emotions, but there was also an overwhelming amount of love. He _loved _me. I could only hold on to that comfort as I waited for his reply.

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**Did you like? I did. :D Please review.**


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